Keep Young Albert indoors !

A hunt has been launched after police received reports of a lion being spotted in a local park.

The animal was said to have been seen in Cavehill Park - only a short distance from Belfast Zoo.

There's a famous seaside place called Belfast
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks... nobody drownded
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of his face to the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions
How they were ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well... it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!

You could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad... whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"

So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager had to be sent for
He came and he said, "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in!"

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.

Round they went to the Police Station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his o-pinion
That no-one was really to blame
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

Eeeh 'eck, that were in't days before compensation culture


THE LION AND ALBERT
by
Marriott Edgar

Stupid shoes.

Taking advantage of the rare sunny day I went for a day's fishing on the coast; the place was infested with people wearing silly perforated plastic galosh type things, why is it that a sunny day brings out people wearing stupid shoes and silly shirts. Whole families of seemingly sane people all shod in silly plastic baby booties, are they doing it for a bet ? is it a new Health and Safety directive, have they been made mandatory footwear ?.... has a nulab politician got shares in the bloody things ?
I could imagine a toddler being sensibly shod in those to paddle and play on the beach.... but grown-ups.....and at 'only' £30 a pair, fucking hell there are some born every minute.

update: they are apparently Crocs
designed for boating types, explains it all really, those silly buggers think it's OK to wear yellow wellies.

Seen in Shaftesbury.

Love it, but I don't think he will get away with it.

Not an instruction !

The bunch of cunts that pose under the name of Nulabour have the habit of taking fiction and turning it into fact, 1984 is currently used as a handbook rather than a good read, and now, from here we hear that they are well on the way to proving that the statistic, often quoted when I was a boy, that everyone in the world could stand on the Isle of Wight.

52 million when I was a boy, 77 million in 2060, fucking hell, you can tell that our rulers don't care much for the countryside..... or even the country.

Cunts.

Most of the increase will, by the nature of uncontrolled immigration from muslim countries and the birth rate of these swarms, overwhelm the culture and customs of the host.

We are fucked.

I've been to the Isle of Wight, I could never work out why the world would want to stand there..... then I realised the pulling power of a the British benefit system.

a fascinating piece on the 'Watts up with that' blog.

Apparently bats are being killed by the blades of eco-windmills, this is going to present a quandary to the tree huggers.

It does however provide a way of preventing the infestation of our land by these monuments to politicians' lack of scientific education, much as every new road/quarry/airfield extension can be stalled for years by the rumour of a great-crested newt living nearby, a few dead bats may stop the spread of the money wasting follies.

It's all our fault.

I see that an expert* has decided that blacks are shooting each other dead and whittling each other with knives because I ( and you ) don't give them enough money.
It seems that money for 'community cohesion' is being spent wrongly ( isn't it just) so the poor black lads have to go out for a bit of slaughter to relieve the tedium of life where we don't pay them enough pocket money for lounging around in between bouts of drug dealing.
There are plenty of groups and schemes black youths could attend and join in with, British institutions, without the need for a 'community group' which would, if funded sufficiently funded by me and you, teach them their 'culture'........ although personally I think that teaching them that eating mangos, smokin' the weed, dancing in an offensive manner, singing likewise, and shooting/whittling anyone who looks at you a bit funny or treads on your new trainers is perhaps not the best thing to do with my money.

It really is uncanny that I was able to guess what the expert would look like before I googled to find an image.... I must be either a physic.... or a cynic.

The page I looked at to steal an image is here
He is, apparently a 'hero' for overcoming a self-pitying early life, being thrown out of university ( reason not stated) and having a stroke of luck in being given jobs not at all related to his qualifications presumably because of his colour.
The comments on that page tell you everything you need to know about the 'problem' we don't pay enough to solve.

UPDATE.

Other breaking news

Youth being 'criminalised' for, well, just being young criminals it seems ...and for no other reason..... shock horror

fucking hell, where do they find these experts ?

Just like the others.

I have just got the ballot form for the selection of the SW Regional list of the UKIP candidates for the next Euro-election. I don't know if the party intentionally decided to provoke me, to make me walk outside and scream and shout, but that's the way it's turned out.

One of the great selling points for me was that UKIP was refreshingly short on 'politicians'; when they did enter into the fray by getting a politician, they got that devious cunt from TV, Kilroy..... and look where that got us.

Lesson No 1 of 10... do not trust politicians.
( 2 - 10 inclusive are do not trust politicians).

Kilroy-Silk contributed the great campaigning point that some fucking actress, that we all thought was dead anyway, to 'endorse' the party. Call me a cunt if you will, but I don't think the UK was waiting on the word of Joan Collins before deciding how to vote.

Many people have soldiered away for UKIP, giving up time and money, year after year.

Now as a candidate we have Julie Harrison, a member since 2008, that's right 2008.... fucking hell, join the party and straight away a ticket to the gravy train..... don't bother getting in the queue dear, just shout " My uncle's a UKIP MEP you know !" ...and barge your way to the front.

I see Miss Tingle has been wheeled out for me to vote for, well no dear, actually no, a member also since 2008.... remind me love, what year are we in now ?

I see Jeffrey Beer would like my vote, well fuck off and work for the party for a while, member since 2007...... you are avin a laafff. (He left the tories because he was disallusioned with them because of their stance on Europe..... fucking hell, takes a while for things to sink in for some people doesn't it.)

Next in the ' let's do fuck all but expect to push to the front'.... and a member for a whole year.... The Earl of Dartmouth.... sorry we already have our quota of hereditary placement filled (see Julie Harrison ).

We have a few stalwarts of the party, people who have mucked in, worked hard and tried to get things moving.... I wonder how they got shortlisted, run out of 'stars' presumably.

The one saving grace is that there are a couple of candidates worth a vote, the local branch chairman who has worked hard since 1996 and a fellow blogger.

Seems like England Expects me to do the right thing and give him a vote.

I find it all especially annoying in that UKIP will get shitloads of votes in the election, especially here in the South West......... and unworthies will get a ticket on the gravy train leaving the long-time workers to do the work.

I am told that candidate selection was done by testing their media-ness or whatever, fucking hell what a way to do things, just like the others parties; Do be quiet about your views and policies for now, get in front of the camera and be photogenic and bland.

"Oooooh lovely and bland, you'll be fine, just like that David Cameron, can you do sincere luvvy?, oooh great "

Fucking hell.

I've lost the will to go and look at other regions, someone else can do it....

and people wonder why I fuck off fishing...

As I said, fucking hell !




p.s. just the excuse I need to fuck off fishing for a week

just a nipple ?

from here

Some Italians were worried that a nipple was on show when their PM was on TV.

How do you think we feel ?

people seeing our PM see a complete tit.

Expert.

This kitten offers advice to Brown that the 'expert' has not considered.

from here,

"a communication expert has said that Mr Brown fails to get his message over to voters because he consistently looks angry or sad."

The expert might consider that we hear the message loud and clear and understand his desire to sell us down the river, take away our rights and impose a million petty rules to manage our lives.

"Speaking after analysing videos of Mr Brown discussing a range of topics, James McBrien, of Clearwater, a London consultancy, said the Prime Minister risks alienating more voters unless he appears more optimistic."

Optimistic for fuck's sake ! What planet is this expert living on.... many tons of shit is about to hit a thousand fans of Brown's making ..... and he should be optimistic !

Mr McBrien said: "My advice would be to relax and allow yourself to smile a bit more, especially when talking about upbeat news. People warm to friendliness and are less attracted to fearful, glum or angry characters."

I'm an expert in communication when it concerns fucking useless, sly, scotch cunts like Brown. My advice is to fuck off now, we have enough problems without seeing your fucking weird 'smile'.... the idea of having that strange character as a friend makes my skin crawl.

"As a leader, people need to trust you. How you communicate speaks volumes about how you will act."

As a leader we would maybe, just maybe, trust you if you reversed all of the fucking silly laws you have made over the last eleven years, say you are deeply sorry.....and fuck off.

Update.

"The Prime Minister has been taking morning workouts with Millie Dobie, a £50-an-hour coach, according to reports."

She obviously thinks he " is the right man for the jog".